Monday, September 18, 2006

Walk Three in Stoopid-ville

I didn't have much time on my walk today because I spent most of my morning writing about my other walk. But, my Cammies and I ventured out anyway.
I didn't have to bring my keys this time because smart me picked up the mail before I got to the office, so this time I got to have a hands free walk.
I wasn't heading down to the cafe for my usual tea because smart me picked up a few tea bags before I got to the office and made my own tea. Why does carrying something when I walk stress me out?

So, I had no idea where I was going, and I liked it.

I passed by the ugly ass cow that I once mildly vandalized. I hate this thing. Picture this; an old town, beautiful, tree lined street of victorian homes, all done up their best. My very favorite is a two story, pale green with a purple door. Exceptional remodel job. Out in front, to my complete horror and disappointment, is a sculpture of a cow. Not only a sculpture of a cow, this is an "artistic" cow fountain, spewing water from it's udders, into the ugliest, hugest steel trough full of plants and grass. A lovely (not) wreath of olive branches encircles its fat cow head, and of course there's an authentic cow bell around it's plastic neck. This thing is HUGE. So, big beautiful house, small cute yard, humongus ugly fucking cow. I just don't get it. I was so pissed about it, that one night, a co-worker and I, along with our significant others, dressed all in black and went down there in the middle of the night.
We replaced the wreath with a barbed wire crown. (Some day maybe I'll tell you the long gory details of all it took to remove this innocent looking olive thing, or maybe you can see the footage we shot with my video cam).
We replaced the cow bell with a giant cardboard cross.
We put red bath tub dye into the trough. And the final, piece de resistance, we duct taped a big sign on the side saying, "HOLY COW!!". Did I mention I was pregnant at the time? I so would have loved to gotten arrested for this, just to make the story even better. We did get a nice write up in the local paper though. The headline read, "Cow!! Vandalized on Broadway!". I swear to god or whatever, that all of this and more is completely true.


Then I passed by the drive thru coffee tent thing. This I also have issues with. I've come to hate all coffee drinkers because of this place. It's situated on a corner, with a very short "drive thru". For some ricockulous reason, every stay-at-home mom in this town needs to have the biggest fucking 2 bedroom SUV, and they all need coffee at the same time. And they must really really need it, because they completely lose all common sense when they pull in. Usually, the driveway is at or above the 6 car capacity, but these bitches will still try to pull in anyway. I can't count the number of times I would have made it to work on time if the street hadn't been blocked by one of these caffeine addicts. Ok, this is a little unfair. It's not just the mom's in their gas hogs. Everybody does it. It's like this corner is inside an invisible swirl of a common courtesy vacuum.
Anyway, today, I'm nearly run over by an exiting satisfied male customer, sipping a teeny tiny little read straw. It totally reminded me of my ex husband. Such a moron. He's one of those manly, red necky idiots. It was always hilarious to me to see this bulk necked brut talking all tough and then he'd stop and take a girly sip on a straw. Moving right along...

Before I reached the intersection, some asshole waiting in the turn lane is blasting country music in his "pick up" truck. Since the line for turning is slow moving, I'm walking at about the same pace, which means I pretty much got to hear the whole stoopid song. "Mama tried to raise me better...". I can think of so many things she failed at.

The rest of the walk was pretty safe as far as stupidity goes. I knew I didn't have much time, so I just went around the block and smartly back to the office.

2 Comments:

Blogger NoSurfGirl said...

That's quite a caper. Will you post a picture of the cow?

11:28 AM  
Blogger Donna Piranha said...

I'll try to take one, but it won't be so fabulously decorated anymore.

8:27 PM  

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